Category Archives: Relationship

Developing Strong Cross Cultural Relationships

Across the globe, people have more in common than is generally acknowledged. The desire for a safe, warm and secure home, strong relationships and the ability to earn a living all top the charts on priorities in most people’s lives. Regardless of culture, religion or ethnicity, strong relationships are the foundation of strong mental and physical health and add richness to everyone’s lives. Are you in a relationship with someone from another culture? Follow these recommendations from the relationship experts to bring out the best in yourself, your partner and your union.

The more we learn about another culture often results in a greater understanding of our own culture. Understanding different languages and customs often develops a greater appreciation and compassion for other cultures. To truly understand another culture, a basic understanding of the language is imperative. Cultural anthropologists maintain that cultures are wholly intertwined with their languages. Take advantage of the awesome deals offered by Groupon coupons and select a language course from the huge variety offered by Rosetta Stone. Within a few short weeks you’ll gain an appreciation for not only the language you’ve selected, but also for the culture.

The fundamentals of strong and healthy relationship cross all cultural lines. Respect, communication, strong listening skills and empathy are the key components of a healthy relationship. Couple these with compromise, laughter and shared responsibility and the ingredients are there for lasting relationship. These are the relationships qualities that those couples who have been together for decades will all agree are critical. Take the time to get to know your partner by truly listening. Don’t listen in preparation for your response; listen to actually hear what they are saying. Validation and affirmation are both needed for each partner to truly share their thoughts and feelings and remain secure in the knowledge that they are respected and validated.

The Trick All Women Should

As the scenes unfold, the other source of her anxiety is revealed; inexplicably the glowing gas lights which illuminate the house periodically flicker and dim and when she observes this, her husband assigns this to her imagination as well, not noticing any change in the lamps on the walls. She also claims to hear noises from the upper floors of the house – more evidence of her failing mental capacity, according to her husband. Slowly, the situation erodes her confidence in her own perception and the whole cast call into question her sanity.

Whilst her husband is out of the house on one of his undisclosed errands, a visitor is introduced – a police inspector has come to visit. He explains that the house so recently occupied by the couple was previously the residence of a woman murdered for her jewels by a man who was never caught but who also never found his prize as he ransacked the house after the murder. During the inspector’s visit, one of the gas light moments occurs but for the first time the wife is validated in her perception – the inspector sees it too! This is the pivotal moment for our heroine.

The inspector reveals his belief that the woman’s husband is the aforementioned murderer who leaves the house to secretly return through the neighbouring house to search the upper floors for the unclaimed jewels, covering his noisy exploits with a smoke-screen of behaviours and tricks which confuse his wife and make her too unsure to challenge him properly.

The play Gas Light appears to have been well received by both critics and audiences. In fact, it struck a chord so resonantly that the script has been performed consistently since 1938, as far a-field from London as the Philippines and as recently as this year.

The play was also adapted into various movie versions of the same plot (the black-and-white Ingrid Bergman version is particularly good). And most significantly, the name of the play has been used to brilliantly capture the special type of relationship dynamic that many women (and some men) experience at the hands of a certain type of partner – ‘gas-lighting’. Gas-lighting is the term used to describe the way some people manage to convince their partners that any concerns they have are imaginary, exaggerated or irrational, even being able to make some clueless or trusting types question their own perception and sanity.

Gas-lighting is most often done to smokescreen inappropriate romantic behaviour but can be applied to draw attention away from any behaviour the perpetrator couldn’t justify if scrutinised, like selfish financial choices. In essence, gas-lighting is a weird combination of a refusal to disclose information or negotiate decisions which should be jointly made, affront at being questioned, implicit or explicit questioning of the mental capacities of the other person, and unpredictable emotional withdrawal. In the susceptible partner, these tactics create confusion and anxiety which serve to dissempower and heighten dependency (more on that in another article).

What typically ends this psychological torture is either the ‘gas-ligher’ ending the relationship having satisfied their need for proof of their power by way of a complete break-down of their partner, or, some third party intervenes and provides the partner with enough validation of their ‘irrational’ perceptions that the smokescreen begins to clear and the naked truth is revealed. Such is the case in the original play – the inspector arrives to put the pieces of the puzzle together in such a way as the wife can see the sense in what previously made no sense.

 

Be a Strong Woman in Love

As relationships are changing, then the ideal relationship also changes. A while back you got married to unite families and properties, that was the ideal. Now we have an ideal of “romantic” love through marriage because of hollywood and also because we are moving into love from spiritual places, not just about survival and pooling our resources. If you think about relationships in the caveman era… it was ALL about pooling resources. And women back then were the main providers because they did all the gathering of the everyday foods, nuts, seeds, berries, vegetables etc.

The men only got the hunt every other occasion. The women were the source of 80% of the food. With evolution women took the background as men started to be dominant in providing resources through technology and through controlling women in marriage so the men could track who was the mother of their babies… and just because the whole world become about control. The stranglehold of control is what is starting to shift on our planet. Big time.

Take a look at our economy folks, we are swinging back to women becoming the providers. Helen Fisher, an anthropologist expert on love has pointed out how women today are coming back to the center of driving the economy. Women are becoming stronger because they are more central in gathering resources, in making choices about our daily lives and taking leadership roles in our governments and communities.

Love experts have said that a strong woman is intimidating to a man, while others say a woman needs to create the nurturing space for the relationship, to be being the “soil” for the man to plant his seed and grow. I don’t think this gets to where we are arriving at with the shift in relationships. I think a deeper evolutionary process is happening where we are questioning the biological roles of men and women and exploring how to actually shift these roles, so that both men and women can be aware of their masculine and feminine bodies and hormones AND have more choice in relationships, more choice in how to love and more choice in creating the ideal love that they are looking. I know when my mother got married, she didn’t think of any of those things! She was thinking, what a nice hunk, I hope he picks me!

The freedom women have now in relationships, means we need to take our dreams and ideals about relationships to a NEW place. Being a strong woman has been said to be a challenge to a man, but throughout history strong women have been necessary for survival and for keeping families together. Strong women are the ones who recognize that relationships are not what we think they are, but rather what we CREATE within the family and with their love partner.

Strong women are the ones who recognize that even when our romantic relationships don’t work, we are still creating love at every corner. We still hold open a space for love in our lives. And we are working through centuries of expectations where women were expected to suffer through abusive relationships. But not anymore.

Women are choosing independence before suffering, because the new ideal of the shift in relationships is self realization in place of giving up the self for relationships. Women are creating choices now that will shift the planet into a world where the individual in the relationship has a voice to change the relationship for the better.

Strong women in love are the ones who stay open to the shift in relationships, because we no longer have the guarantee that any relationship will last. That does not mean that strong women do not feel the hurt of a relationship breaking down. In fact, it means we become more emotionally stronger to take separation and hurt and loss into our hearts and heal and look at all the unresolved hurts that we have experienced in love, not just this life – but for all the lives you have ever lived. I know my mother did not have the opportunity to resolve her hurt in her relationship. So I also spend time giving thanks to her. In spite of feeling trapped, unable to express herself and feeling not loved, my mother taught me to be free, independent and strong.

Strong women, teach other women and men how to be hurt and still love in spite of the hurt, to give instead of going into “what’s in it for me”. Imagine what the world will be like when we finally shift out of feeling trapped in our choices of love, life and relationships and start healing those old wounds. This shift in relationships is asking to lift every unturned stone and see what remains unloved and love it until we can be free of any suffering.

Romantic Lasting Relationship

Before I go any further, let me add that enjoying a truly romantic lasting relationship is serious business, it doesn’t just happen it takes effort. What I’m about to share with you is simple but very powerful, don’t treat it with levity. Make sure you treat them seriously and take time to reflect on them and find a way to work with them in your relationship.

1. Don’t Hope, Decided.

A lady went to the airport to welcome an old friend whom she hadn’t seen for a long time. While she was waiting, she saw a man arrived and run towards a woman. She was drawn to this scene, especially when the man grabbed the woman, kissed her and exclaimed how much he had missed her. Amazed by this display, she asked the man, ‘Sir, how long have you been married?’ She expected the answer to be one or two months.

Without so much as a sidelong glance at what he obviously considered a distraction, he replied. ‘Eighteen year now.’ Assuming that the man had been away from his family for a while, she pursued the matter, inquiring, ‘How long have you been away?’ To her surprise, he said, ‘Two days.’ Amazed, she remarked, ‘I hope I marry a man like you who will love me as much.’ Hearing this, the man looked at her and said, ‘Don’t hope, decided.’

See, feelings alone don’t make a true romantic lasting relationship. If it does, everybody with a feeling will have one hell of a great relationship, don’t you think? But, is that the case? Of course not! Why? “Because, true love is not just a feeling, but a choice”; the love that will make a relationship really romantic and sustain it forever, is not something you wished for, but rather something you decide upon and work at.

My advice is, stop hoping, stop wishing and make a decision that you are going to have a hell of a romantic relationship like you desire, decide that you will do whatever it takes and you will not stop until you have achieve your desires concerning relationship. Make sure your decision is strong and solid, so it gets through to your entire being; mind, soul, spirit and body.

2. Get Informed.

The very first mistakes people make when it comes to building a romantic relationship that last, is being totally clueless about the do’s and don’ts of building the relationship of their dreams.

It’s important that you updated yourself with new ideas for improving your relationship, source for new ideas, and new ways of improving the romance in your relationship. You’ll need new ideas in many areas in your relationship, most especially romance and sex.

Avoid monotony in your relationship; variety is what will spice up your union. Keep yourself up to date with the latest romantic inventions that will help you improve your romance and sex. Read books, magazines, watch relationship programmes on TV, search the Internet for information, attend seminars, talks and workshops on romance and relationship.

3. Communication is a Catalyst for Romance

Communication is one of the most important ingredients of a truly romantic relationship. Break in communication is solely responsible for the larger case of unfulfilling relationship and most of the divorce cases. A lot of people get it wrong when it comes to communication.

The correct and real communication, the kind that ignites and keeps the romance burning, actually involves lesser words. They are communication that is done with or without words. They are communication in which there is mutual understanding of the information that is being communicated.

Begin right now to improve on your communication with your partner. Learn to sometimes communicate with each other non-verbally; most especially when others are present, when on visit, during shopping, during indoor or outdoor activities, etc. e.g. a quick wink at each other. I can’t stress enough the importance of this key because not getting it right will make every other thing you might get right like child’s play.Let me tell you another fact on communication, just incase you’ve not have heard it before; the only way to know how to communicate effectively with your spouse is to communicate.

Persons Succeed in Their Relationships

After giving consultations and therapy to many persons, I noticed that broken relationships can be traced to the following factors and causes. I also did some research about relationships, and found out that statistics also support these causes.

Let us explore these observations, one by one.

1-Lacking Love:

People who didn’t receive love in their childhood, are very likely to fail in their relationships.

Love in early childhood, from parent to a child, is very important for that child.

The child will grow up and carry that love with him/her, and ultimately is able to love back.

Love back??

Love back means that a grown up person, is able to give love to his/her partner, and also to his/her children, as a future parent.

A child without love from parents will grow up seeking love in a potential partner. The partner may not have that love for him/her, and subsequently, the relationship will fail.

2-A child lacking love from parents will grow up, and once become a parent, he/she is unable to give love to his/her children. He/she is very likely, not able to love his/her children. You cannot give what you don’t have.

3-We can save many relationships if we give enough love to our children.

4-A person lacking childhood-love will keep searching for love among different future partners. Usually not successful.

5-Broken relationships, attributed to lack of childhood-love, will cause many failed marriages. This cycle will continue and subsequently, create same persons with same results.

6-Many women are attracted to a man because his personality is same as their fathers. This aspect of “father-love” means the relationship is not purely physical. Relationships have their metaphysical, or spiritual aspect.

7-Many level-6 women are attracted to level- 3 men. Level-6 is quiet & peaceful type, the type of person who is likely to agree with you on most issues. Level-3-type is the macho type. Level-3 is the type of person who wants it his own way, not likely to compromise and is ego-centric. This difference in personality can be a major attraction factor among men and women.

8-In spite of their contradicting words, many women like macho men. This behavior means if the two partners, man & woman have the same independent personality, that relationship is likely to fail. It may last for years, and some would argue that the fact it lasted for years it meant it works. However, that relationship during those years is actually “looking” for an excuse to end it, and once it finds it, it actually ends it. This behavior explains why some partners or marriages fail after so many years. That relationship was not based on solid foundations in the first place.

9-Whenever the two partners, man and woman, are having equal significance level, that relationship is also destined to fail. This means that one partner “MUST” have more importance or significance, than the other partner. Some partners of equal independence level are happy, but that is the exception, not the norm.

10-Career and Relationships: Career and relationships have inverse relations, meaning the more successful you are at work, the less successful you will be at your relationship. I noticed this trend is more common among women than men. Again, some are successful in both, but that is the exception.

11-Age: I noticed that most women in a relationship/marriage change negatively against their partners, usually at the age of 40-45. At this age, the woman becomes more hostile to her partner. The result usually is a broken relationship.

12-People who are not successful in their relationships, try to succeed at work, and usually, they succeed at career

Meaning of A Relationship

Anyone can say that they are in a relationship. However it takes true work to be in a relationship. What a relationships is not, is you finding someone being attracted to them and calling them your boyfriend or girlfriend. Then after a month or so, you find out you do not really like them, and then you jump to someone else and that person is now your boyfriend or girlfriend.

This is something that my friend seem to be shocked about. She takes her relationships very seriously and those that she is in a relationship with, she deems them as someone that she is going to be with for a long time for the purpose of moving into something more serious.

Although this is how it should be, this is not how it is. Both men and women will jump from person to person stating that they are in a relationship not knowing what it really takes to be in a relationship. True relationships are beyond self satisfaction and getting your rocks off for the moment. True relationships can be fulfilling if you let them, I am convinced that so many go bad because people do not know what true relationships are.

Relationships are not about you. This is a common mistake that people make. They get into relationships because they want to be fulfilled, because they are looking for someone to make them better, because they want, they want, they want. This is not to say that when you are in a relationships that these things do not happen, but you are not the focal point of a relationship.

Relationships are about a mutual understanding of one another. Coming together for a purpose that enriches both lives and also fulfills your purpose. Does this make sense?

Some people who enter relationships are not really ready for relationships. To be in a true relationships you need to have your stuff together. This does not mean that you need to be a millionaire. But it means that you should be self sufficient.

For men, this means that you do not need to be living with your mother, unemployed, and not taking care of the 15 children that you have by 9 different women. If you are not taking care of your own responsibilities, the last thing you need is a women to add on to more responsibilities that you have. And for women, if a man is not taking care of himself and his kids, then why would you want to be with him any way.

This was the case with the friend I mentioned above. When she first told me about her potential man, he was not seeing any of his kids nor did he have a relationship with this children. I tried to explain to her that being romantically involved with him was the last thing that she needed to do at this time. Make him get his crap together first. This type of behavior symbolizes a flaw in his character. If he does not have enough sense to take care of his own self, what makes you think that he can fulfill responsibilities as a man and potential husband to you.

The bigger issue is that women do not know what to look for. This or that they are to hungry for a man that they are willing to overlook his shortcomings all to say that they are in a relationship. Then they are shocked a few weeks, months, or years down the line when the man disappoints them. Did they not see this coming? He was a disappointment when you meant him? Why did you think you were going to change him?

For men, why look for women who do not take care of their kids or do not have their stuff together. And even worse, have more kids by them and then you are shocked when they are a bad mother. They were a bad mother when you got with them. Did you not see the writing on the wall?

People get on me because I am single. But I am confident, and get offers on a regular basis. But as a single mother, I have to look beyond the idea of being in a relationship and think to myself, is this person really good for me? Will this person be a good man and potential husband or would they just be an added burden?

Yes they may look good, they may even talk good, but actions speak louder than words. Look at their life, their past history, look at what they do over what they say and this is what would tell you if they are a fit person to be in a relationship with or not.

In today’s world, 50% of marriage end in divorce. This is for many reasons. But mainly it is because people do not really know who they are marrying. They are so busy putting on a facade, or looking at the physical and do not reflect on if the person fits into their long term plan.

God taught me this lesson which is why I needed to slow my role on dating. He told me

“Sophia, why do you even give half these men the time of day? Get to really know them first. Do not pay attention to the nice words they are speaking or what they promise. Find out who they really are, and then you will find out if they are the one of you.”

This may sound like a none humble thing to say, but God has shown be what He wants me to be and what He wants me to do. And since then every person that I go with, I see if they fit into that plan. There are certain things about men that I must have. I do not like men who lie, cheat, steal, who have a bad moral character, and those who are not Christian. Before I use to entertain such men, but then I found that there was no point. These are the things that I require from a man, and therefore, if they do not have these characteristics, no matter how fine are, or how much their 8 packs looks good to me; I rather pass.

I want a man that is after God first and foremost. Not just one that goes to church and fakes the funk stating they are Christian but there is nothing in their personal life that resembles God.

I am not saying that all women should be like me, but I am so tired of women condoning none sense out of men. Allowing men to bounce between them, and fighting each other over a no good man. What world do we live in?

I am tired of seeing men talk about how their women cheat on them and how much of a bad women she is. I know they saw her posing half naked on Instagram, with man number 1, 2, and 3. Why would she change that because she is with you?

A lot of relationships issues can be prevented if you refuse to get into the relationships in the first place. A lot of men when learn to man up if women stop fighting one another over a sorry behind man and leave him alone to get his life together. A lot of men would avoid trifling behind women if they look beyond her breast and butt implants and actually observe how she lives her life and see that she is trifling

Professional Relationship Coaching

While many become motivated to seek help when struggling with their relationships, coaching and relationship coaching are positive, results-oriented professions that help functional people achieve their personal and relationship goals and is not a substitute or replacement for therapy provided by a licensed clinician trained to treat mental, emotional, and psychological disorders. While relationship coaches might be experts in relationships, the art and science of coaching is to facilitate success for the client without providing advice or “professional opinions.”

Origins

The label “relationship coach” has been used for many years by professionals (Psychotherapists, Psychologists, Marriage and Family Therapists, Social Workers, etc.) and entrepreneurial para-professionals with a wide variety of backgrounds.

With the evolution of personal/life coaching as a recognized profession in 1995 with training standards and certification initially established by the International Coach Federation, relationship coaching as a coaching specialty with its own professional training, standards, certification and methodologies was first developed in 1997.

Relationship Coaching Specialties

Singles Coaching

44% of U.S. adults are single, and 27% of adults live alone. If this trend continues, soon, the majority of the population of the western world will be single.

Helping singles have fulfilling lives and successful relationships requires understanding that not all singles are alike and most do not fit the stereotype of being lonely and desperate for relationship.

Here are seven types of singles:

  1. Temporarily Single-actively seeking a partner and in between relationships
  2. Recently Divorced/Widowed-recovering from loss and not ready for a relationship
  3. Frustrated Single-wants a partner, not able to find one and gives up
  4. Passive Single- wants a relationship but not actively seeking a partner
  5. Single But Not Available- self-perception of being single and desires a lasting relationship, but “hooking up” to get needs met
  6. Busy/Distracted Single-absorbed in being a single parent, career, school, etc. and doesn’t have time or desire for partner
  7. Single by Choice- no desire for a partner, being single is a conscious permanent lifestyle choice for many reasons, including

Each type of single has their own unique developmental goals and challenges requiring specialized skills and strategies to effectively coach them to experience relationship success independent of the advice-driven approaches of other professions.

Couples Coaching

As with singles, not all couples are alike. Here are four types of couples

1.Dating Couples: Self identify as “single” but have an on-going, non-exclusive relationship. “Friends with benefits” is one common way of describing these couples. These couples see the purpose of their relationship as fun and recreational. Dating couples often seek coaching when one or both partners want to take their relationship to the next level.

2.Pre-committed Couples: Both partners have decided to stop dating others and become an exclusive couple, and while co-habitation is common at this stage, no formal or explicit long-term commitments have been made. These couples often desire commitment and are testing their relationship for long-term compatibility. Pre-committed couples often seek coaching when they encounter a “deal-breaker” (also referred to as a “requirement”) preventing their ability to enter into a long-term committed relationship without sacrificing something important (such as whether or not to have children).

3.Pre-marital Couples: Both partners have decided to become committed, but haven’t yet acted to formalize their commitment (marriage, commitment ceremony, etc.). Many of these couples are acutely aware of the high failure rate of committed relationships and seek coaching to acquire the skills and practices needed for long-term relationship success.

4.Committed Couples: “Commitment” can be defined as both an “attitude” (belief) and a “fact” (formal, symbolic, even legal act). While most couples might think of their relationship as “committed,” if they haven’t acted to formalize their commitment they have the attitude but not the fact of commitment. Couples who have made a formal commitment sometimes bring up divorce in response to a problem, which can be a cause of confusion, consternation and conflict. Most committed couples are married or have formalized their commitment in a ceremony of some kind. These couples often seek coaching because they desire to find a way to successfully solve problems and “live happily ever after.”

Family Coaching

Family coaching includes nuclear and extended families, parenting, siblings, family businesses and co-housing arrangements.

Business Relationship Coaching

Productive businesses require effective relationships. Coaching business relationships can include workplace relationships such as manager-employee, peer-peer, between corporate divisions, teams, as well as customer and vendor relationships.

Create Your Ideal Relationship

Being in a same-sex relationship has not spared me of society’s relationship norms. It took me years to figure out that I wanted something different. While past relationship experiences were somewhat satisfying, they did not provide me with everything I desired. As I began to reflect on my unsatisfying relationships, I asked myself the first of two questions: “Why were my relationships only mediocre?” I realized it was because I was socialized to perceive any relationship a certain way-without considering my own wants and desires. Each relationship had to meet specific criteria based on what I had observed and learned growing up. We all grow up with spoken and unspoken rules about relationships. For example, I remember hearing that it’s improper to live with someone before getting married. (Thank God I listened to my heart instead of my head on this one! Otherwise, I would have been forty-nine before I lived with someone!) Here are a sampling of other rules that I observed growing up in the 1960s and 1970s.

• The woman does the household duties while the man goes to work.

• Men only do masculine household chores (shoveling snow, mowing the grass, and so on).

Thank goodness I grew up during a time when women were questioning-and still question-these gender stereotypes. However, there are a host of other unspoken rules that have nothing to do with gender. For example, many people believe married couples should live in the same home. Although this is a commonly held belief of what it means to be in a relationship, it may not allow people to be at their best. I have multiple friends who are married but do not share a home. This works for them! They are happier with each other having created their own picture of what a relationship can be.

Still, because of societal expectations, each of us brings thousands of beliefs into an intimate relationship. Here are some more examples. Feel free to add ones that speak to you.

• Couples have to take their vacations together.

• Couples have to like each other’s friends.

• Couples have sex all the time-forever.

• Partners are clairvoyant about each other’s thoughts and feelings.

• All couples have to have children. (As a matter of fact, the myth is that having children strengthens the bond between the couple.)

• Couples who really love each other don’t fight or disagree.

• It’s the job of each person in a relationship to make the other person happy.

• Marriage is forever.

As I considered these spoken and unspoken rules and my less-than-desirable relationships, a second question arose: “What do I want from an intimate relationship?” Investigating my personal desires and dreams in this way liberated me. It allowed me to not only think outside the box but ditch the box entirely. Through this freedom, I was allowed to create the relationship I truly wanted. I wanted a relationship that was mutual. My ideal relationship was one where both people regularly practiced and experienced love and belonging. I drew inspiration from Brené Brown (2010), author of The Gifts of Imperfection, who cites bell hooks “To begin by always thinking of love as an action rather than a feeling is one way in which anyone using the word in this manner automatically assumes accountability and responsibility”

Make Your Honeymoon Last Forever

Relationships don’t solve problems. They actually bring problems to the surface, sort of make them worse. Relationships magnify problems. They feed on them. Sometimes people hope that their love and relationship will solve problems. It’s very seductive. I will solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, the sex is great and the promise is fabulous. Relationships promise to will solve problems but they don’t. The closest a relationship gets to solving a problem is that it makes having a problem less intense because it feels like there’s a second person going in to bat for you in life. But in my experience, even that has its limits.

The other reason people get into a mess in relationships is that they put too much mush into them. If you divide life into seven equal parts like: career, money, health, intelligence, friends, self and relationship you get a rough idea about the real context of relationship. A relationship is not life, love is. And you can’t love one person and hate another. 99% of relationship failure is caused by unresolved judgements about someone in the past, or their sister’s past or their brother’s past or their parent’s. They grind that axe and hold onto all sorts of distaste so then they can’t love that in their current partner either.

Remember that every person has every trait. It’s like sucking a dog poo lolly while kissing a prince. It’s going to make a difference. The taste alone of a judgement or hate that’s dragging itself through a person’s life becomes permanent. They taste crap even when they meet their soul mate. So, smart thing would be to use mouthwash. Process dirty laundry from the past, emotional baggage and really turn up.

This is what makes the difference for me.

I value that life is a journey and even pain is important to teach and guide us. My pain has a purpose and so, when I have it, I let all the pain in and don’t hold onto anything. Sometimes I’ve gone for help to finish a discard form, other times I’ve been through a ream of paper, 400 sheets of paper, listing the discard. For me, opening my heart again to love each day is a big value. I make sure there are no grudges or regrets about anything in my life. By doing this, I learn more about myself, my work, my life, my people, my human nature in six minutes than a meditator learns in a lifetime.

Pains and challenges don’t get easier, but they do get shorter. My first heartbreak heart took 3 years to deal with, the last one, 3 hours. Yes, I’m good at the forms, but I do practice between performances, I do them regularly on little things so I’m confident on the big things.

Create a routine that works for you as if you are single or as if you were single and do not change one molecule of it when you are double except you might swap out going to the pub with friends for a date night.

Compromise kills love and therefore relationships. You get to know yourself you keep doing those things that make you a good you even when you are in a relationship.

Focus on love in the other six areas of life as well as relationship. It’s the overloading of relationship with too much pressure to create happiness that causes their failure.

Focus on fulfilment and be fulfilled when you enter a relationship – don’t burden your relationship with the job of making you happy. The purpose of relationships is not happiness, and, happiness is like an Ogre, always hungry, never satisfied. Turn up in your relationship already fulfilled – then your relationship can last a lifetime.

Don’t focus on trying to please your partner all the time, you might be making a huge mistake.

Don’t wish for or start looking for someone with the same values as you. Someone who is pleased by the same things as you. That notion is so self-destructive. That’s a bitter pill. No mouthwash can kill the flavour of being a disappointed lover. If you think the essence of a great relationship is finding someone who wants what you want and thinks like you think about work and life, you will be hurting forever. No need for that.

Be True to Yourself

Remember that there’s only one person on earth who thinks like you, who wants what you want and who needs what you need in the quantities that you need. And that person is you. If you think you found a like minded soul, this is possible but if you think that they will want what you want in the order you want it in, think again. Anyone who gives you the impression that they want what you want in the order you want it, is tricking, seducing and manipulating you by making things easy. They are just making you happy so you surrender to them.

Trust nature, if two people are the same, one of them isn’t necessary. If you do find an exact replica, a person who thinks like you, resonates with you, walks and talks like you and wants what you want, then wear a hard hat because they will soon ask you to change.

All relationships are based on differences.

If there are seven areas of life, and your priorities are spiritual, mental and financial in that order, you can bet everything you own that their bottom three priorities will be financial, mental and spiritual in that order. This is how nature works. It’s not wrong. Deep down, the human spirit is non complaint. Only on the surface can we cause another person to subjugate their values. Deep down, intrinsically, we are all very powerful.

BE REAL

There are two sides to everyone. So, know the negatives and the positives of everyone and simply focus on the good news. That’s romantic. That’s seduction. It means “to please. ” So we seduce each other by focussing on what works, not criticising the 50% that doesn’t work. If you think you are without that 50/50 balance of positive and negative, go interview your ex partner, your kids or parents. They’ll give it to you with both barrels.

If your expectations of a partner are anything other than 50/50 positive negative then you are fantasising and this is great short term but eventually it’ll hurt you and them. You do what you can to seduce your date, but really, it’s an act. Deeply, you could if you chose, focus on the bad news or the good news. If you want a good home, be diligent, know the balance, focus on the good news.

People want their long term needs met.

Seduce means to give others what they want, and it will be very different to what you’d want if you were them. And this is why relationships are so challenging. While you are getting seduced you dream that this getting, this satisfaction is going to last forever. But your needs will expand and their needs will expand and you’ll eventually feel that your needs are not being met in some area. And then there’s a test.

Now what? Now that you find you’ve married someone who wants things you don’t want, what are you going to do? You know this is inevitable so do you get single while in a relationship, and just self-gratify, hoping to one day meet your perfect self in another person, or do you realise that by giving to your lover what they want they give to you what you want?

Are you one of the people who get into relationships with enthusiasm and then spend the rest of the time you are in it thinking about whether you made the right choice? This is human, but you need to shut that down by looking around at other people going, “my goodness, my partner has that but in a different form, my partner is therefore better, they are perfect. “

Confusion or Clarity

Western ideology means we want what we haven’t got, so, when you are with one person (relationship) you want to be with the many (single) and when you are with the many (single) you want one (relationship)… in other words when you are single being double looks brilliant and when you are double being single looks like nirvana.

That’s the epitome of western ideology. We want what we haven’t got. It’s the driving force of the consumer society, our culture, our religions… simply we are conditioned to “want what we haven’t got. ” And this presents an dilemma for those who love the commercial world of business. If business success comes from wanting what you haven’t got, then are you doomed to continual dissatisfaction in relationship?

The whole business and financial model of the world runs on “wanting what we haven’t got – consumerism” even in Maoist countries it’s what feeds people. But at home, in love and relationship maybe the opposite works better.

A Healthy Relationship

This article is meant for serious minded people not people who go into relationship for fun, such people hop in and out of relationships degrading the sanctity of relationship and undermining the values of what relationship should be; thy abuse it and lead many sincere innocent women and men into emotional despair and frustration.

Here I’m talking to people who intend to build a home. Not fakes, not pretenders, not use and dump. They are reasons why relationships fail one of it is lack of preparation. Marriage is the only institution that you have admission without writing exams or given a test, even when they do, they do not practice what there were taught. This has also affected many marriages and home in general.It’s time to change such mentality, being married does not change your ideology, rather early planning gives you ample opportunities to make the right choice, “one who will share in your dreams and aspiration”.

Every relationship has its own rules and policy, unfortunately that of marriage has been undermined; basically there are certain things you need to know before venturing into any relationship. It is necessary that you get prepared

1. Are you prepared for any relationship?

Most people go into a relationship for the fun of it or felt somehow they need a date. Going into a relationship without having clear reasons, or for selfish motive does not define your person. The attitude you portray today goes a long way to shape your future. If you are not prepared for any relationship, do not get into it no matter the circumstances, for young girls don’t ever think of “boyfriend/girlfriend issues” there are the things that may eventually destroy you, I always advice young ladies that the best age for marriage is 21 to 25. However, for whichever reason you choose to delay, preparation is the foundation for any successful relationship. Are you ready? How satisfied are you in such circumstance? You just have to be yourself; it must not be based on what someone said, or pressure from the opposite sex or any other. When you compromise against your wish, you bare the pains alone when the ill wind of relationship start blowing on you, no matter how people may seem to comfort you, you bare the pains alone.

2. Choose the right person

This is one of the most difficult aspects when it comes to relationships. The truth is you only know who a person is in times of adversity. Human are complex in nature, in relationships it’s not really about perfection but the ability to accommodate someone, accepting someone’s short coming the way it is, this is because you have two different people from different backgrounds. These are the factors you have to consider, because the person you think is an angel can turn up to be what you never imagined.

No matter how complex it may be “you know what you want” no matter the nature of things and the circumstance you may find yourself in, there are factors that may lead you to achieve good result. There are patience, watching and prayers. When you rush into a relationship you might likely rush out or live in pain; I have always advised that you wait a while. At this time friendship becomes necessary, but not too close, it all allows you the privilege of knowing new things and making new discovery.

3. Are you compatible?

No matter the emotions and pressure, be yourself; never say “yes” until you have “sorted out things” the only way to know how compatible you are is to become friends. What do you really want? What are your dreams, are you comfortable with his job, his way of life?

Be sure about your compatibleness, is not right to build up hopes, is really frustrating when you start regretting why you accepted such relationship. When you are not compatible you may likely have relationships problem which may lead to break up, when you start getting along having discussions it enables you both to know each other, then you will be able to know if you can live together.

4. Your reasons

Your motives, your thoughts and your overall reason will determine how healthy your relationship will be. This area is very important, when you fail to sort this out you might end up having heart breaks, you may not have confident in yourselves. Are you going into a relationship for beauty, wealth? Whichever reasons; what happens when what you hoped for fails you? To be on safe quad it should be for one reason “love” do you love him? Does he love you?

Material things are sometimes temporal when they fail that might be the end of such relationship. When you look at material things chance are that you might likely meat “fakes” deceivers, those who pretend to be what they are not. In the end they become your worst enemies. When you define what you want and be patient enough, you will know who they are. Your reasons should be genuine. In as much as you need a responsible man, love is the principal thing.

5. Is love involved?

In that regard you take more time and access yourself if your affection is based on love. The worst relationship is that without love. If you do not have true love, don’t venture into any relationship. Love is the foundation: the holy bible says; love covers transgressions, therefore in times of adversities true love keeps two people together. The person you are interested to; does he love you? What are his motives? When you give him sometime it will go a long way to show who he really is.